


Letters to Padfoot

by moonyforremus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, POV Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 21:29:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17568272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonyforremus/pseuds/moonyforremus
Summary: Remus is listening to Julien Baker and thinking of his friend Sirius, who is traveling the continent with James. He writes him a very honest letter that he has no intention of ever sending…





	Letters to Padfoot

**Author's Note:**

> In other words, Remus is head over heels for Sirius but he doesn’t think his feelings will ever be reciprocated.

_Sunday, January 22, 2019_

_dear Padfoot,_

_What would you say/ feel if I told you how I fancy you? I know you’d be flattered. But I also think you’d be scared perhaps, or discomfited. Because… maybe you don’t want a relationship the way I do, or maybe you don’t want that with a man. But. I don’t know. I know that the fact that you had sex with someone that isn’t me doesn’t make me jealous. In fact, it’s you traveling with James and not me that makes me jealous, because there is more intimacy in that. The sex I think of as your pleasure, and I would never begrudge you that. I feel that what I want with you might be something neither of us is ready for yet, and perhaps we never will be. But I also feel it could be so good. If the friendship is this good, then isn’t it natural to imagine that goodness all the time? I loved being your roommate, coming home to you. The thought that we will never live together again saddens me. And yet. I can’t bring myself to tell you I’m attracted to you because I feel that at the end of the day it would only make you sad. I’m not sure how/ why I feel that._

_There’s also fancying your friends vs. recognizing oneself as queer. I mean. There are degrees here. Wanting to build a life with a man seems a step farther towards queerness than simply being attracted to a man._

_I’ve imagined us raising kids together. I try not to, but I have. It’s things like that that feel like too much information and yet I want to tell you everything. I don’t want there to be things I can’t tell you._

_I’ve imagined what it would mean – us sharing a life – and I think I want the mundane as much as the romantic and physical. I like making plans and solving problems with you. I know I want to kiss you. I imagine I’d enjoy having sex with you._

_I keep thinking back to last November, us seated in that gay bar with tequila shots, waiting for James and Lily, me finally telling you a little bit of what I’ve been holding back – that I’ve been thinking more and more about being attracted to men, and I’m leaving out how it’s you that I’ve been thinking about. And then you say how much you adore women, and I know you do. I know you do. But I can’t help but wonder – wish? – that you would adore me too, Pads. Perhaps if I ask in the right way, prove my devotion in the right way? If I came to you with a researched itinerary for Belgium and said the ticket is purchased, would it prove I like you best? I’m too cautious but you’ve always made me better we work well together and I fancy you and I’m going to stop this stupid letter now. Fuck. _

_Love, Moony_


End file.
